Fantasy

Jeanne was the one who’d invited me down to the woods that night. Tall, slender Jeanne, with sparkling bottle green eyes and silky tanned skin, and a smile that never really went away, even when she was mad or upset. Who was I to say that I didn’t want to go.

It wasn’t that I liked her, had a crush on her, or in the teenage way, was in love with her. It was simply that she was a very pretty girl who’d sometimes smile at me when we passed in the hallways and our only form of contact was that we sat next to each other in history, and we’d supply each other answers on tests when one of us knew and the other didn’t.

It was the kind of relationship I’ve heard many men struggle with; they attempt to sleep with anyone who gives them the slightest bit of attention. Or they fall in love with them too quickly. I was blessed with the ability to appreciate friendship.
So Jeanne told me, “I’m getting together with some of the girls from my dancing class,” and then asked me, “would you like to come along?” She blinked, eye lashes fluttering, and gave me a warm smile, all teeth.
“Yeah,” I said, thinking it sounded good, like a fun thing to do. I hadn’t asked what they were getting together for or what they’d be doing once they were together. None of those questions seemed particularly important to me. It was a Friday and I had no other plans. My best friend, a kid named Kurt, had been sick for the past two days, and my other best friend, another kid named Finn, had been silent towards me for the past week.
(I’d inadvertently attracted the attention of a girl named Sherry, (yes, like the wine), who asked me out on a date, and I’d said yes. Finn had not told me prior to this that he’d been working up the courage to ask Sherry out for the past month, and he still did not tell me, although I figured out, by process of repeated attempts at conversation with him, that the point at which he faded and walked another way was when I mentioned her.)
Kurt was sick. I hadn’t heard from him or seen him, but he was sick. He was the kind of kid who just got sick, and stayed sick. I’d seen it happen on occasion. Him sheltering himself from the world was his way of dealing with it. The less he knew of people living lives unburdened by coughs and sneezes, the happier Kurt was.
In any event, that was why I didn’t have any plans.
“We’re going down by the river,” Jeanne said. “You know Dani, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I kind of know her.” Dani who wore short skirts, even now when it was fall, because she had the best legs in the school and knew it.
“She’s getting her cousin to buy some...” Jeanne looked around, as though to check that no one was listening, although there were far too many people in the cafeteria to know for sure. “...drinks. Do you want anything special?”
I had never had a drink before, but whenever I’d seen my father drink (on Christmas, his birthday, my mother’s birthday, the Fourth of July, and every now and then, a Friday night), he had been drinking bourbon of one kind or another. “Bourbon,” I said.
“Just... bourbon?” Jeanne asked.
“Any kind,” I said. “Not too cheap but not too expensive. You know?” I certainly didn’t.
Jeanne smiled knowingly. “Smart. I’ll make sure you get just the right thing.” She pushed herself up from the table and stepped over the bench with two careful movements. It was difficult to keep my eyes from drifting from her eyes. She moved with the grace of a model; each footstep impossibly sensuous. “I’ll text you tonight and let you know when I’ll be picking you up.”
“Alright,” I said, finally realizing that my face was flushed and bright red. She waved her fingers at me, and disappeared among the tables. Later, I saw Dani talking to a different boy. I wondered if he was being invited to the same thing I was. He was shorter than me, and, I thought, a grade below mine. But he was not altogether unhandsome, and he had the physique of an athlete, although I didn’t think he played any sports. He had short black hair and dark brown skin and smiled a lot. He was wearing a grey designer long sleeved shirt, and dark blue jeans.
I still couldn’t think of his name.
Later that day, when we were all walking towards our busses, I caught sight of the sophmore that Dani had talked to, and further away, near the parking lot, Jeanne, who made momentary eye contact with me. I saw Finn walking onto his own bus, and saw the sophmore follow him on. I got out my phone and as I walked to my bus, I sent a text to Finn, asking him for the name of the boy who fit the description I’d entered.
“His name is Marty,” Finn said, later, when he was at my house. “Do you think I could come along?”
“Jeanne only invited me,” I said. “I can ask her...” I trailed off, trying to look apologetic.
“But you don’t want to,” Finn said. “It’s fine, I understand. Thanks, by the way, for calling Sherry just now and breaking up.”
“I didn’t say we were together,” I said, a little irritated at having had to repeat myself. “I just said that she’d asked me out, and I’d said yes. And all I texted her was that I was busy tonight. Which I am. But thank you for saying thanks. I’ll send Jeanne a text though,” I took my phone from my pocket, “and--”
“No no no,” Finn said. “I won’t go. I think it’d be messed up if you asked her if I could go, and she only said yes because she felt like you might not go if I didn’t go.”
“You’re way overthinking this,” I said.
“Am I, Ken? Am I?”
“Maybe not,” I said, wanting to quiet his distress. “I won’t ask her. But... if you just happened to wander down to the river tonight, and hear the noise...”
“I couldn’t,” Finn said. “I mean, I wish I was that bold. But I’m not.”
“I’d totally vouch for you, dude,” I said. “They’d probably think you were cool for finding it like that.” I had no idea if they would or wouldn’t, but I wanted to make it look like I was giving Finn every possible option. In reality, Finn had always been afraid of big parties, even though none of the ones he’d ever gone to had involved drinking or drugs. He would always say he would go, and then a half an hour before, me or Kurt would get a text saying that he forgot he had to do something and, really sorry, but he couldn’t come.
“Alright,” Finn said. “I’ll come... I’ll try to get there late, when people are really drunk. They’ll be friendlier then, won’t they?”
“Yes, definitely,” I said. “But, hey, Jeanne is coming soon. So...”
“I gotta leave, right,” Finn said. He gathered the notebook he’d brought over, the one filled with his scribbling and drawing, and left. I had an hour left to prepare for what I could only assume was a party, although I now realized, as I was preparing, that Jeanne hadn’t quite called it a party. I showered, brushed my teeth, found what I considered to be my nicest sweatshirt, and waited near the front door.
“You going out tonight?” My father asked, when he came in through the front door.
“Just waiting for my ride right now,” I said.
“Where are you going?” He asked.
“I’m going to go do drugs and get arrested,” I said.
He chuckled and walked away. Making jokes like that was how I’d distract him from whatever activities I’d gotten up to. My first experience with marijuana had been under the same pretense. So had my first date, and the second date.
My phone buzzed with Jeanne’s first text message, telling me that she was on her way to pick me up. I felt my skin prickle. The thought of being in the car with her was suddenly making me feel uncomfortable. I still, I believed, didn’t have any sort of deeper feelings for her. But I did have a fear that she’d be wearing a particularly low cut blouse, or tight jeans, and I’d stare a little too long. I was afraid she’d notice that. I was even more terrified that I would get an erection.
I got those a lot when I was that age.
Five minutes later she pulled up in a fiery red sedan, and I headed out through the front door, my phone buzzing as I touched the doorknob to leave. I walked down the sidewalk and waved, seeing her only as I walked around the car to get in on the passenger side. She was, thankfully, wearing a loose orange sweatshirt. She had her hair tied back in a bun, held together with an oversized red clip, a color that matched her lipstick.
I opened the door and slid in. “Hey,” I said.
“Hey, Ken,” she said. I shut the door and put my seatbelt on. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I said. Jeanne had the heater up, and I almost wanted to take my sweatshirt off, it was so warm.
“You sound nervous,” she said playfully. She reached over and patted my shoulder, “It’ll be fine, guy.”
“Okay,” I said. “How are you?”
“I’m excited! We’ve never had two boys coming along. You and a kid named Marty. Do you know him?”
“I know of him, yes,” I said. “There’s just going to be me and him?”
“Yup,” Jeanne said, driving away from my house and down the road.
“Just the two of us?” I asked, again feeling strange.
“I know, I know,” Jeanne said, “two guys and like six girls. We just want to be careful about what guys show up, you know? Some guys are serious jerks. You and Marty are the nice types.”
I blushed a little bit, and hoped it was too dark in the car for her to notice.
We talked a little bit about history class, about how we thought we’d done on the quiz, and then about how the teacher had made an awful joke that had offended several of the students enough that one of them had left the classroom. And then there were five minutes of silence.
“So,” I said, breaking the silence. “What are we going to be doing, exactly?”
“It’s a little bit like a party,” Jeanne said. “A little bit like a cookout.”
“You and your dancing company are having a barbeque? In November?”
“You could say that,” Jeanne said.
“I get the impression that it isn’t a dancing company,” I said, having decided from her tone of voice, “and that there is a lot you aren’t telling me.”
“Shh,” Jeanne said, reaching a warm hand over to rest on my thigh, a few inches from my crotch.
My heart was racing too fast to make any kind of response.
“We’re here,” Jeanne said, after what felt like an eternity later. She lifted her hand to put the car in park, beside two others; a minivan and another sedan. “Are you ready?”
“Y-y-yeah,” I said.
When she got out of the car, I stayed inside a moment, and tried to think about something other than girls in hopes of reducing the bulge in my pants. After a few seconds she leaned inside the car, started to ask what was wrong, looked down, and covered her mouth with one hand. At first I thought she was horrified, but she laughed and shut her door. She waited, her back against the window.
I hadn’t gotten it to go away completely, but I didn’t want to keep Jeanne waiting. “This way,” she said, suppressing her mirth. “Just down here.”
We walked down a path that I was unfamiliar with. I realized we were too far along the river for Finn to just happen across it on accident. Or to pretend to. I felt a little bad aboutf him walking around in the dark, searching for a party that was hours away on foot.
We came around a corner, and I saw a flame ahead. As we neared it I saw that it was a bonfire. In front of which sat five other girls, and Marty, arranged around it in a semi circle. There were coolers and foldout plastic tables.

Upon the tables were bottles of soda and liquor, and the plastic red cups that always seemed to wind up at parties of underage drinkers. Jeanne diverted me from heading to the fire straightaway, even though someone called her name.

“I’ll be a second!” Jeanne shouted. “Here,” Jeanne said, directly to me. She pushed a bottle of a clear liquor aside, which I supposed was vodka, and pulled forth a fifth of bourbon; the seal was already broken, and some of it was gone.

I wasn’t bothered. I was nervous.
Jeanne found two shot glasses scattered about with the cups, and filled them each with bourbon. “We’ll do a shot together. You want a chaser?”
“Naw,” I said, not knowing what a chaser was.
“You’ll want a chaser,” she said, perhaps realizing that I had never actually drank before. She grabbed a can of cola and popped the top for me.
I held my shot glass up, and she held hers up.
“One,” she said, “two, three!”
I sloppily poured it into my mouth and gulped twice to get it all through. I winced, not doing anything, and then Jeanne grabbed the can of cola, took a sip and then pressed it to my lips, pouring in a mouthful. The cola efficiently washed the taste of the bourbon away.
Incidentally, that is how I learned the importance of chasers.

“Thanks,” I said. It was warm in my stomach.

“No problem,” Jeanne said. “That was sort of cute.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly.

“So?” She asked. “How was it?”

“I don’t feel anything,” I muttered.

“You shouldn’t yet!” She said, poking me in the arm. “Here, I’ll make you a mixer, since you’re such a novice at all this.”
She showed me how. She poured the bourbon into a red cup, filling it a little bit past the second ridge, maybe an eighth of the way up (it was hard to really see it in the dark), and poured the can of cola in. She shook the cup back and forth a little, took a sip, and then nodded and handed it to me.
I took a sip of my own. I liked it better than the shot.
Once Jeanne was done making hers, she started walking over towards the fire. She found an empty spot on the far right of the whole group, placing me between her and a pale girl with black bangs, the rest of her tied in a ponytail, a tight black longsleeved shirt, and jeans. I looked for a moment at the pale girl and she looked back until I looked away.

Jeanne leaned forward, “alright everyone, this is Ken!”

“Hello Ken,” the girls and Marty all said, some of them smiling a great deal, the less inebriated looking appropriately friendly. Marty seemed, like me, to not have had much to drink yet, but I couldn’t really tell.
Starting with the girl next to me, Jeanne introduced everyone. It was Brie next to me, and then Sara, Anne, Dani, Marty (whom I knew), and Io. I didn’t recognize Io. She wore a toga and sandals, had olive skin, and a crown of leaves. I said hello to each. I don’t remember Sara, Anne, or Dani very well, other than that they were all, like Jeanne, tall and elegant, Dani with the long legs, and Anne with the longest hair, and Sara with half moon glasses.
Jeanne began to talk past me towards Dani, leaning slightly, pressing up against me in order to do so. I scooted a little further down the bench to give her room, thinking it polite. But Jeanne did too, and then I had Jeanne on my right and Brie on my left. “Hey, Ken,” Brie said, when Jeanne had pressed me up against her.
“Hey,” I said, trying to stare into the fire and ignore the way Jeanne’s shins felt against mine. I was certain she was doing it on purpose.
“I’m really sorry about what happens later,” Brie said.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re already uncomfortable,” Brie said.
“Yeah,” I said. “What happens later?”
Brie looked over towards Jeanne who was glaring at her. “Just some food,” Jeanne said. Jeanne put her arm around me and pulled me a little closer towards her. I was starting to feel a buzz, and Jeanne seemed very warm, like the heat coming off of the fire.
“Hey Ken,” Brie said, “You wanna do a shot with me?”
Jeanne glared again, but let go of me. “Uhm,” I said.
Brie grabbed my wrist and pulled me as she stood up. I got to my feet and followed her over to the table. Once we were out of earshot of the people gathered around the fire, and we’d reached the table, Brie gave me a serious look. “If you run, you might still be able to get out.”
“Run?” I asked.
Brie looked back towards the fire and saw Jeanne watching them. Brie poured a shot for herself and then a shot for me. “Come on, we have make Jeanne think that we’re actually doing what we came over here to do.”
I tossed mine back, again failing to get it down all at once. I sipped my mixer and found it wasn’t as good as a chaser as the straight cola had been. Brie took it from my hand and sipped a little bit for herself too.
“Alright,” Brie said, handing it back to me. “We’re both too drunk to drive, but you can make it on foot.”
“How much have you had?” I asked.
“Three or four,” Brie said, “Well, four or five now. But it’s not super important.”
“You’re trying to get me to leave,” I said, suspicious. I felt like she didn’t think I was cool enough to be there. And while I certainly felt intimidated by her, even though we were of a more or less equal height, I didn’t want to leave. Jeanne had been giving me signals, I thought. Tonight might be the night I got my first kiss, or maybe even a little further. “Thanks for the warning,” I said sarcastically, “But I’m going to stay.”
Brie frowned. “Have another shot with me,” she said.
“Uhm, okay,” I said, pouring myself another, sloppily spilling some on the table in my attempt. This time, Brie locked her arm around mine, so that we were close when we did it. The closeness confused me, but she wasn’t anywhere near as warm as Jeanne.
“Let’s head back,” Brie said, sounding kinder than before.
I poured a little bit more bourbon into my mixer and then Brie led me back by my hand, to sit me back down between her at Jeanne. “How was your shot?” Jeanne asked.
“I had two,” I said, holding up three fingers momentarily, and then correcting. “And I put more in here.” I held the mixer up.
Jeanne smiled at me, and then to Brie. “Good idea.”
“Thank you,” Brie said. “Hey, I get dibs.”
“You can’t call dibs,” Jeanne said harshly. “I invited him, he’s mine.”

I couldn’t tell whether or not it was the liquor that was making my face red. “What?” I looked over at Jeanne’s face. In the firelight, she looked like the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. “I’m yours?”

Jeanne, still smiling, nodded. “All mine,” she said.
Brie put her arm over my shoulder, pulled me against her, and turned my face slowly with her hand. In the firelight, she also looked like the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She reached down to the ground and brought up a goblet, which I hadn’t noticed.
“No!” Jeanne said, reaching past me to grab the goblet from her. “You can’t!”
“Oh, but I can,” Brie said. She turned my face again, leaned in, and kissed me. I could taste the liquor in her mouth, and could smell it on her breath. Our eyes closed as our lips were locked. After five or six seconds, she drew back. I had a weird feeling, as I knew that Brie had just claimed me. I had the distinct impression that my tongue had slid around a pair of teeth in Brie’s mouth that were just a little bit too long when compared to the rest.
I heard Jeanne fuming behind me. “Wait,” I said, turning to look at her.
Jeanne’s eyes were flickering, and at first I thought it was a trick of the light. Being drunk, I still thought it was a trick of the light, even when her lip raised slightly. The goblet, still in her hands, had a smoke rising from the top of it.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to, it just happened so fast.”
Jeanne’s eyes returned to their natural, greenish color. “It’s okay,” Jeanne said, lifting a hand up towards my cheek.
“He’s mine,” I heard Brie insist.
Jeanne looked across at Brie and I could swear I heard the bonfire grow louder. I turned to look, and turned to see the two girls seated next to Marty, Dani and Io, were looking at one another just as Brie and Jeanne were. Marty looked confused, like me, and we made eye contact. “Excuse me,” I said.
“Why?” Brie asked sweetly, turning my head by the chin.
“I have to pee,” I said, in total and complete honesty.
She let go of my shoulder and I stood and walked towards the edge of the forest, seeing Marty do the same. We found a spot in the woods, just beyond the edge of the trees. “Hey, Marty, right?”
“And you’re Ken?” Marty said.
We unzipped our pants and began to urinate.
“Are they fighting over you too?” Marty asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “This is almost a dream, except I think that Jeanne had red eyes for a moment. Like she was on fire or something.”
“Io had horns for a little bit,” Marty said. “And Dani’s tongue was... well, it was really long when she kissed me, and, like, curled around mine like a snake.”
“Was that weird?”
“It was really cool actually,” Marty said. “I think I like Dani more. But I also don’t think that any of them are humans.”
We continued to pee. “How much have you had?” I asked.
“A lot,” Marty said. “Did I tell you that Dani licked my face afterwards?”
“You didn’t,” I said.
“She did,” Marty said. “How much have you had?”
“I think I’ve had a lot too,” I said.
“Do you want to make a run for it?” Marty asked.
“I think I’ll fall over if I do that,” I said. “And anyway, we’re both really drunk. Maybe they’re not monsters. I mean, did you think that girls would be like this?”
“I hoped they were,” Marty said. “But this is... it’s...” He trailed off. “I’m going to go see if Io will kiss me too. You should see what you can get from Jeanne. Maybe one of them will let you touch their boobs.” And with profound confidence, Marty wandered off, back towards the bonfire.
I kept peeing for a little while, astounded at how much my bladder had held. I found the table on the walk back and took another shot, this time not chasing it down. My face was starting to feel numb.
I staggered down onto the bench. Jeanne hastily put her arm around my shoulders, before Brie could. This time I was sure that Jeanne’s eyes were a bright red. “Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” Brie said, “Watch it.”
Jeanne sneered, even as she smiled. “I just want to kiss him. I can’t claim him back now, can I? It’s against the rules.” She leaned in close, and the heat coming from her mouth was astounding. When she parted her lips, I could see the flicker of flames at the back of her throat. She has a fire in her stomach, I thought.
Brie grabbed me and pulled me away. “Come on, Ken,” she said.
“Okay,” I said, although at this point it was more like ohkaysh. I’ll translate as best as I can what I said. Although I was at this point what my friends would later call sloppy, I still have a more or less accurate recollection of what happened. Some details might be wrong, though.
Brie helped me up from the bench and walked me away. I turned and saw Jeanne looking after me. I saw her stand before Brie tugged harder and I had to look ahead to avoid tripping on any rocks or stones. “Jeanne,” Brie said, “is made of fire.”
“She is feisty,” I said, feeling very clever.
“I mean that literally,” Brie said. “She’s a fire spirit, and she wants to consume you in flames.”
“That’s mean,” I said.
Brie stopped walking. The sound of talking and the sound of the bonfire were far behind us. Brie sat down on the ground, her back to a tree, and patted the ground next to her. I sat down next to her and, feeling bold, leaned in to kiss her again.
She obliged. The kiss lasted longer, and I was able to confirm the presence of fangs in her mouth. I pulled back, but only a little, and looked into her eyes. “And you’re a vampire, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” she said. Her voice was slurred too.
“A drunk vampire,” I said.
“Yes,” she repeated. “If you don’t mind, I’m just going to go ahead and start drinking.”
“But you didn’t bring anything out here,” I said, thinking she was talking about more liquor.
“I brought this,” Brie said, lifting up the goblet from earlier. “I almost forgot. You have to drink a bit of this first.”
I expected her to hand it to me, but she pressed it to my lips for me and tilted it. It tasted vile, but my tongue was numb enough that I was able to swallow without difficulty. When the goblet was empty, Brie tossed it into the leaves beside us, and turned, pressing my back against the tree and climbing over my legs. She leaned in and kissed me again. I put my hands up to her shoulders, wondering if I should push and try to make the vampire go away.
She grabbed my hands and, one by one, slid them down to her hips, and pressed herself against me, me feeling all of her at once and me not knowing what I was supposed to do about it, her hands against my shoulders. I tried to slide my left hand down further, but she reached down and pulled my hand up. I wasn’t bold enough to try anything else.
Her right hand slid down to my upper arm and she moved her head from my lips to my neck and kissed it gently. “Wait,” I said, knowing what was to come next.
She let go of my upper arm and her hand wandered down the front of my sweatshirt to the front of my jeans. When she bit, she slipped her hand down the front of my pants, and I felt very confused.
When she started to drink, I felt it immediately. I can’t say exactly how it felt, other than that a weakness was taking hold of my body, beginning in the tips of my fingers and wandering towards my chest and head. I was already mostly numb, but it was becoming complete via exsanguination. I realized my erection was gone, and even though I was drunk, I was certain I was about to die.
Brie looked up to my face, her mouth dripping. “I’m really sorry,” she said, her expression sincere.
I didn’t know how to answer. I almost couldn’t see her, my vision was growing so dark. “It’s okay,” I said after a moment. “You’re pretty, and I got to kiss you, and you touched my...” I trailed off. The corner of her mouth rose just a little, and she went back to my neck.

The world went completely dark.

When I woke up it was in the morning. The first thing I noticed was that it was very bright and my head was hurting very much. There were three empty bottles of water in the leaves next to me, and gauze was taped to the side of my neck.
When I made it back to the bonfire, I saw the ripped remains of Marty’s shirt, and one of his shoes, by the dying embers of the campfire. There was a set of keys on the ground. There was still a lot of liquor on the table, and so I found one of the coolers, fit as many bottles inside as I could, and carried it out to where the cars were. Only one car remained, and I tried the lock and found that the keys worked. I put the cooler in the back seat and drove home.

I parked the car in my driveway, and then, realizing that it was Marty’s car, and that the police would find it very suspicious if he went missing and I ended up with his car, I put the cooler in my room, went back to his car, and drove it towards the nearby quarry with an excessive number of bricks taped on top of the accelerator. I watched the car go over the edge and plummet and then rapidly decelerate in the shallow water.

By the time I got home, it was late in the evening. I made it to my room avoiding both my parents, filled a cup with water from the bathroom, and drank it slowly as I went on my computer.
I heard a knock when I was invited to dinner, but told them I was feeling sick and didn’t want any. “Did you drink last night?” My dad asked through the door.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Did you have a good time?” He asked.
“No,” I said, although I knew that it was partially a lie.
“Good,” he said, and walked away.
I fell asleep early and slept late into the next day. I felt better, and worked on my homework. I finished it, read a little, napped, ate dinner, and went to sleep again
I passed Jeanne in the hallway on Monday, and she stopped me, grabbing my arm. She was smiling. “I’m sorry about Friday night,” she said.
“Me too,” I said. “I can’t hardly remember any of it, but I do remember that I ended up... kissing someone that wasn’t you. Which, wasn’t fair, because you were the one that took me there.”
“Awe,” Jeanne said, sounding relieved that I appeared to have no memory of the event. She put her hand on my shoulder, and I was aware again of how excessively warm it was. “Maybe you can come again.”
“Maybe,” I said, feeling that if I had survived one Friday night, I might survive another.

A few minutes later, I decided against it.

I found Dani at the end of the day, and she recognized me immediately, looking shocked. “Oh my god, you made it!”
“I did,” I said. “Hey, does Brie go here? I can’t find her anywhere.”
“She’s homeschooled,” Dani said.
“Oh,” I said. “Do you know where she lives?”
“Not really,” Dani said. Her eyes looked down towards the gauze. “Oh.”
“Oh?” I asked.
“If you just sort of... wander for a while, you’ll end up there,” Dani said. “It’s a vampire thing.”
I looked around, shocked that she had said “vampire” that so loudly in the hallway. No one had seemed to notice. “Okay,” I said.
After school, I got off the bus, and started wandering. I wandered north, and then wandered a little bit east, towards the river. I wandered a little bit more. And just as Dani said, I wandered up to an old house which I was sure was Brie’s. I started to walk up to the door and realized it wasn’t nighttime yet, and just waited outside, reading the book that was in my backpack.
It grew a lot darker. Darker than I thought it would. The porch lights were on, though. I wandered up and knocked. I knocked again, when there wasn’t an answer. I knocked again and again, and started crying, and knocked and knocked. I slammed my fists against the door.
And then, sobbing, I left.
I go back there sometimes. All of a sudden I’ll be watching a movie, or eating dinner, or talking to a friend, or I’ll be on a date or having sex, and then I’ll stop and go back to the house. I would drive back from college, sometimes, even though it was a two hour drive.
Just a few hours ago I did it again. I knock and knock and then I cry and go. I don’t really know why it happens. I suppose I must miss her, somewhere, deep down. She was the most beautiful girl, and she let me live. And I think that in my subconscious, that means she’s the one for me.
But she denies me, and even though I don’t really care about it, I still cry. I wish she’d answer the door sometime, just so I wouldn’t have to cry.