Tuesday, December 21, 2010

social anxiety disorder at a party (thru a guy's eyes)

I am at a party. I’ve had a fair amount to drink and everything is bathed in a warm red-orange glow.

Everyone’s talking to everyone else. I’m struggling to maintain a conversation with a girl who is in a relationship. It’s comforting that she’s in a relationship; I don’t have to watch what I say, and I can be honest. I tell her about college, and listen when she talks about her own experiences. We’ve known each other since middle school, but I know we’ve grown distant, and I know it’s never going to be the way it was before. It’s for the better anyway. I still like her, I guess. I awkwardly end the conversation and she seems relieved. I look for a moment at her beautiful eyes and wish for all the world I could know what it feels like.

I take a walk around the room, stopping by the concentrations of conversation.

This one guy, he plays guitar really well, he knows all sorts of songs and he’s in this cool band, and, like, he thinks it might be a big deal. He’s attracted a crowd of groupies, most of which are immensely attractive girls. I know I’m jealous that I hadn’t put more time into learning guitar. I think about his future. If he gets lucky, he’ll be rich and will never be at a loss for companionship. But it’s always more likely that they burn out somewhere along the way.

I walk on, green envy clouding my thoughts. I stop by a second group, and listen in for a second.

With a grin and narrowed eyes, this well dressed kid speculates on how wonderful it’d be to pop a girl’s cherry. He makes it clear that he really likes having sex. Most of the guys talking to him share similar sentiments. I’m at a loss. More jealous rage in the back of my mind, so I move on.

This other fellow has put in the hours at the gym (his arms ripple with muscle and his face is lean), and has put six or seven shots of whiskey down his throat in the past thirty minutes. He’s loud, liable to brag, but overall friendly. And the girls around him don’t care that he’s obnoxious. They’re attracted to it, even if they don’t know it. It’s the confidence.

Every guy who’s popular with the ladies is confident. I decide that I’ll be more confident. I’ll start socializing.

But I think back to the girl I’d been talking to earlier, and see her standing with her significant other. I get a nod from the boyfriend, an acknowledgement that I’m harmless, and the party continues. I look at everyone and think that I might need to vomit.

I step outside, leaning over the railing, scolding myself for drinking too much. Never again, I think. But nothing arises from my throat, and my stomach calms. I don’t feel how cold the air is. I see hills beyond, and a road winding between the trees.

I wonder what it would feel like to die.

[edit: even though this is in first person, it doesn't mean it's a true story]