shithy storhy

Alfred was a dude with a tuxedo. He was a cool dude and didn't afraid of anything. One morning he was fixing himself a meal and he happened to see some pure rabblerousers outside, dancing and causing trouble for his neighbors. Alfred decided it was time to do something with his life, so he fetched his doublebarreled shotgun and stepped out to deal with them.

(I apologize for what follows. It was a vain attempt to write 750 words in under an hour...)

He looked at each of them. One wore a baseball cap, tight shorts, and a bright pink T-Shirt. Heh, thought Alfred, he must believe he is quite the clever fellow, wearing a pink T-Shirt. But instead, all it made him look like was A TOTAL DOUCHEBAG.

The second child had on a backwards baseball cap (what a fool, doesn't he know that baseball caps won't work if worn backwards?) and tight jeans. Heh, thought Alfred, those jeans make him look like quite the woman. And then Alfred came to the realization that the second rabblerouser was indeed a woman. Poor woman! Caught up in the rabblerousing that was so prevalent among the youth of her age!

The third rabblerouser was the worst of them all. He wore a PENNY and a gym bag, although it was evident that he did not currently play sports, as his limbs were soft and heavy with the weight of A LAZY PERSON. Alfred HATED lazy people, almost as much as he hated FOREIGNERS.

"You, children!" He said, brandishing his doublebarreled shotgun. "Leave now, or forever become dead!"

The children looked up at him. The girl said, "Who made you the emperor of mankind? Huh, gramps!"

"I'm only forty five!" Alfred shouted back, continuing to walk up to them. His fingers felt clumsy, and sweat made the handle of the shotgun slick. He worried he might drop it. "My neighbors have done nothing to bother you!"

"That's what you believe, OLD MAN," said the PENNY KID. "But in actuality, they have taken my dear girlfriend from me, and these two friends you see here are my only allies!"

"I am sorry to hear that," Alfred said. "But I ascribe to a higher form of justice that does not include rabblerousers. You should report these crimes to the High Douchebagollators."

"Why must you taunt us so?" Said the child with the pink shirt. "Have you not experienced the loss of a sister?"

"It is your sister, and his girlfriend, in that house, then?"

"Yes, it is," the three of them replied, in unison and of the same tone.

"Then even better! It makes you sound like mountain people! Your squabbles amuse me!" Alfred hoped they would not see past his mask of pure STOIC.

"I can see past your mask of pure STOIC," said the girl, much to Alfred's chagrin, "and inside, you are quite unhappy with yourself. You have long tried to uphold your banner of justice and goodness, but you have seen a corrupt world where it is impossible to do so. I am like you. I was once a soldier in the Far Wars, and I have returned to enjoy life for as long as it can exist. For I am cursed with the Terminal Sickness that has claimed the lives of nearly every soldier whom participated in the Far Wars."

"That is a sad story," Alfred said, "But it is a pointless one at that. Everyone who is not immortal gets the Terminal Sickness at some point in their lives. ALL THAT LIVES WILL DIE."

Then, suddenly, a shot rang out. The girl fell to the ground, a wound in her side. Alfred looked up to his neighbor's house and saw a lamppost wielding a sniper rifle. It adjusted the sniper rifle towards him, and he dodge rolled the fuck out of the way. He ran behind a car and fired at it with his shotgun. He saw the two rabblerousers dragging the girl to behind the car as well, and he covered them with COVERING FIRE.

"This," she said. "Is it, the sickness has come to claim me at last."

"We will miss you," said the pink T-Shirted child. "We will never forget the good times. And in time, while we may forget them, I will never forget the bad times."

"Aye," said the PENNY CHILD, "We will not forget any of the times."

"I depart."

"All that lives will die," said Alfred.

And it was so.