Directions to my house.

I’ve been asked repeatedly upon how to get to my house, and frankly, I am getting sick of repeating myself. So here’s a set of directions you can follow, unless you live in Wyoming, because fuck Wyoming that’s why.

DIRECTIONS:

When the Star of Ullulullu’ta (this is going to be one of those sets of directions, just bear with me here) falls within the Circlius Prima, you’ll notice a faint shimmering above your cellar door. Pry open the second seal (you’ll know what I mean by “second seal” when this happens, it’s pretty hard to miss) and twist the knob clockwise (if you’re in Australia remember to adjust for continental drift) until you hear a ringing that should kill any dogs in a three mile radius.

Next, you’ll need to pull on the knob, hard, and then step to the side while the dead souls beneath your house go out. If you’re reading this before following the directions, be sure to provide a plate of cookies, warm (preferably warm but dead souls aren’t picky) and with milk. Dead souls are worse than regular souls in that they have incredible sweet tooths (I am pretty sure that’s a word).

If the dead souls don’t rip your tulpa out with them, you’re safe to enter. If they do take your tulpa with them, I suggest contacting Madame Westermorn (she can be reached at 1̧̬̰͉̘̹͙̠͖͙̪̮̤̟̪̭͔͙͓͔͌̇͒ͦ͆ͦ̉ͧ̓͂5̸̷̼̪̦̼̠̺͓͈̠͙͓ͤͯ̌̔ͫ͗̾̆̓͘̕1̧̼̖̥̪͍̅̽ͮͨ̊ͬͣ̒̏̏̃ͦ̃͗ͫ͢5̷̭̟̮̖̲̠̥͔ͦ̈́̓̚̕ͅ1̱̣̟̮̩̯̖̦͔̤͈̥̌̒͗̄̈́́͘͟͝5̛̱͍̗̖̥͒̔̓͐̀̿͐́͢1̢̛̟͖̫̯̰̯͓͎͈̘͋ͧ͐͌͐͋̊̎ͯͤ̔ͯ͢͝5̧̜̣̦̞̠̣͔̦̭͔͎̬͚̝͔̩ͦ̓̓͗̐ͫ̔̀̀̎̈̕͡1ͭͮͣͯͮ̓̍͆͘͏͈̟͓͓̯̱̟͔͔͠5̽̅̄̉̓͏̵͢͢͏͉̰̠͖̳̗̳̳̺̲̘̜̤̦͔)

Down in the Alleyway of Shattered Diction beneath your home (it’s fine, most people don’t know it’s there either), you’ll find it is warmly lit. There are little windows on either side of the cobblestone path. They’re basically drive-throughs except for the recently deceased. Seeing as you’re not dead, it’s pretty obvious you shouldn’t place an order in any of them. I do know this guy, Charles, he stopped by one and he’s mostly alright nowadays but you can never quite know with him. He’s got this funny eye, by which I mean he doesn’t have a left eye anymore.

Take a left on Ash Tree Lane and take care not to head into any darkened hallways. It’s easy to take a lost turn while you’re in there, in fact, you will. Sebastian will help you out if he’s not in a particularly bad mood. You can tell when he’s in a bad mood because he growls when he’s in a bad mood. He’s in a bad mood most of the time, by the way.

From there it’s a pretty easy walk past the Hill of Vaunted Hierophants, and then a climb up the AETERNAL STAIRCASE. I’m like, three stairs up, or five hundred and seventeen if your last name starts (and/or ends) in a C, D, S, or G.

My house is the one with the red knocker out front. If you wind up at a house with a blue knocker, I’d get real religious real fast if I were you.

Trip time: Seven lonely headstones on a dust-battered hill
W/ traffic: Two rotten trees